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Dating versus Courtship

What is dating?

Most dating tends to be frivolous yet passionate and physical. With very little commitment on one or both sides, there tends to be profound rejection, miscommunication, heartache, and the emergence of a pattern of sin. In terms of dating, there is a repeated pattern of joining and separating.

A dating relationship often includes the following criteria:

• Sensual feeling
• Sensual affection
• Premature passion
• Sensual pleasure
• Instant intimacy
• Selfish gratification
• Fooling jesting
• Unhealthy friendship
• Sensual exploitation
  Emotional bondage
• Lack of Respect
• Unequal Yoking (Dependant on one another – not God)

What is courtship?

A courtship is started with the intent to determine God's desire in a relationship. This determination is made through serious petition – in prayer and in Godly wisdom. There is no physical involvement in this relationship other than that of a friend. There is a conscious thought to include God in all aspects of the relationship in order not to make a mistake. This process may take a while or a short time, but the relationship does not become more intimate until there is a certainty about God's will.

A courtship should include the following criteria:

• True fellowship
• Destiny
• Natural affection
• Godly giving
• Honor
• Thanksgiving
• Respect
• Healthy friendship
• God's blessing
• Brotherly affection
• Dignity
• Equal Yoking to God

One commonly believed myth is that we need to experience other relationships in order to learn what we like and don't like.

God has given us a list of qualities that we should all hope to acquire. We can learn what qualities others have through a true friendship. If there is an attraction to a person, we must find out if it is God's will that we come together with that person. Trying out people – like trying out clothing – is not a biblical principle, and thusly it is not a profitable path. If it were true that we need to experience things in order to learn about them and understand their consequences, then there would be a great many things that we would have to do, that I personally would not like to do. In order to understand it, I would not like to commit suicide, jump off a bridge, smoke, drink a case of beer, pierce my eye-lid, fight Mike Tyson, be murdered, be a murderer, lose a leg, fight in a war, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera… Basically, if it is going to make you impure before the Lord, there is not one reason in the world to do it – other than a selfish desire to personally try the act to see if it is more fulfilling and satisfying than a true relationship with the Lord. It is not about what we like or do not like. God has ordained certain things to work in a certain way. When we walk outside of this, there is only empty gratification that leads farther away from God and towards more hollowness and pain. If we decide to follow the Lord and seek His way for our life (Matthew 7:13-14) then we shall walk in the fullness of life that He has promised those who follow Him (John 1:16). We must strive to find out what

Matthew 7:13-14... Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

John 1:16...From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.

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pleases the Lord – for if we delight in the things that He delights in, we shall have the fullness of Peace, Joy and Righteousness – we shall walk with the Kingdom of God surrounding us.

What about sex or sexual activity before marriage? Am I mature enough?

It is not about maturity. It is about God's plan for a relationship. This means commitment. True love is true commitment. If you are taking someone out for a test-drive, you can never return them in the manner by which they left. The odometer will always remember the miles it has driven. You can window shop, but the second that you take that new article of clothing out of the store – you had better have paid for it, or their will be consequences. There are even more destructive consequences for sexual activity outside of marriage.

If you have sex before you are married, you are taking something from your partner that is not yours to take – and vice versa. God has given you the gift of purity. Sex outside of marriage is impure. So what if it is too late? What if you have had sex outside of marriage? What if you have defrauded your brother or sister in some way, like too much physical intimacy? Read the advice of Proverbs 6:1-5.

Physical intimacy is like a pledge that you have made to another person. It is not a pledge founded in God because He does not desire us to be physically intimate with anyone but the one He has set aside for us. If you have found yourself pledged to physical intimacy, go to the person (your neighbor) with whom you are intimate. Free yourself. Ask for their forgiveness and plead with them to free you from a pledge you made outside of the will of God. Your security is not found in that relationship, but in the Lord.

How intimate is too intimate? When is a kiss more than a kiss?

God says that when two people get married, the two become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). When you are intimate with someone, your bodies, minds, wills, and emotions become intertwined. One of the fastest and easiest ways to be intimate with a person is to be physically active in your relationship with them. When this occurs, a joining takes place. Bonds are created between people on different levels. The level of intimacy dictates the difficulty of separation. Physical bonds are created when we meet others. When we shake hands, hug, or even spend time in another person's presence, we are creating physical relational bonds. These bonds, as ordinary as they may seem, can slowly develop into a very close physical bond.

These filial (brotherly) physical bonds are very Godly and a very powerful way to show affection. The deepest of these filial affections, which are detailed in the Bible, are the kiss and the reclining against one another. There are many references by Paul and others requesting that the followers of Christ greet one another with a Holy Kiss ("Holy Kisses"). This type of kiss demands trust, respect, and true fellowship between the believers. By requesting the kiss, Paul and other writers make it clear that the people who are coming are trustworthy and faithful according to the writers.

A verse in John (John 21:20) relates that John himself was so intimate with Jesus that he would lay his head on his chest as the disciples ate and talked. John's closeness examples the trust and brotherly love that should exist in a close friendship that is centered in delighting the Lord. The physical bonds made in true friendship – as a delight to the Lord – are of great importance, as they give us unity as family members in one united Body of Christ. Just as the parts of the body are

Proverbs 6:1-5...My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor, if you have struck hands in pledge for another, if you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, then do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor's hands: Go and humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like a bird from the snare of the fowler.

HOLY KISSES...

Romans 16:16...Salute one another with a holy kiss. The churches of Christ salute you.

1 Corinthians 16:20...All the brethren greet you. Greet ye one another with a holy kiss.

2 Corinthians 13:12...Greet one another with a holy kiss.

1 Thessalonians 5:26...Greet all the brethren with a holy kiss.

Psalms 85:10...Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other.

Psalms 2:12...Kiss the Son, lest he be angry and you be destroyed in your way, for his wrath can flare up in a moment. Blessed are all who take refuge in him.

Luke 7:45...You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.

1 Peter 5:14...Greet one another with a kiss of love. Peace to all of you who are in Christ.

John 21:20...Then Peter, turning about, seeth the disciple whom Jesus loved; which also leaned on his breast at supper, and said, Lord, which is he that betrayeth thee?

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connected, so should be the filial physical bonds of the saints.

However, if there is a dependency on another individual to meet a need through physical relations, originating from intimate contact, a bond will be formed which is detrimental. In order to keep our relationships pure, we need to know where the Lord has promised blessings – for if we are not walking in the blessings of the Lord, we will be tempted and hurt by he who tries to lead the whole world astray (John 10:10; Revelation 12:9). So where can we determine what are the limits that we put on a male – female relationship? Sufficed to say – if we are to follow biblical principles, as relating to relationships before marriage, there would be no physical, emotional, or mental bonds created outside the understanding of what is brotherly love. Simply you should not inflame the passions of any another person outside the bonds of marriage.

It is plain to see that the caressing and fondling of other individuals creates a physical bond before marriage. In God's terms, this is a prostituting of the body in return for sexual pleasure (Ezekiel 23:3) (note that it is not in return for money, but for the physical pleasure they enjoyed). Up until the point of marriage, we are to remain chaste:

CHASTE - 1. abstaining from sexual intercourse that is reprobated by religion or condemned by morality; 2. abstaining from any willful acts or thoughts that are likely to lead to its occurrence; 3. abstaining from all sexual relations; 4. clean, pure, stainless

The body that we have been given is to be at the full disposal of the Lord's use – without flaw or physical bondage to another person (1 Corinthians 6:13, 18-20).

As for not starting the engine of a car you are not going to drive it anywhere, 1 Corinthians 7:1 says, "It is better for a man not to touch a woman" i.e. outside the context of marriage. The word 'touch' in the Greek is 'haptomai' from the root 'hapto', meaning "to set on fire." You should be careful to not do anything that will arouse passion in any person who is not married to you. It is of most importance that we do not even do anything that gives the appearance of evil. We should not defraud or exploit anyone – and how much more should we not do this to someone we care for? If you are not committed in marriage to a relationship, do not set the wheels of passion turning. Lust is the desire to benefit at the expense of another. Lust is to people as greed is to possessions.

The Lord desires an intimate relationship with each of us. We know this because of the way prayer is spoken of. In a human relationship, what are the most important aspects? Conversation, physical contact and being able to see the other person. Because we cannot physically touch God or see Him with natural eyes, prayer is the most intimate form of contact we have with God. Matthew 6:6 tells us where to perform this intimate contact with God/But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

What is meant by "your room"? It is the place you go for solitude, most likely. The place where you can be alone. God desires that you speak to Him in this place of privacy and intimacy. He is the bridegroom and you are the bride – He deserves access into your private chambers more than a boyfriend or girlfriend does.

What does it mean to commit to a relationship?

This is a phrase people use a lot and no one every really explains what they mean by it. There are as many different types of commitment as there are different types of relationships. When you are committed to a best friend, that may mean that

John 10:10..."The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus Christ] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Revelation 12:9...The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

Ezekiel 23:3...They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed.

1 Corinthians 6:13..."Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

18-20...Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Matthew 6:6...But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

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you are available to them whenever and wherever they might need you. You set aside your personal agenda to be there for them (John 15:3). When you are committed to your parents, you have promised to obey them and live according to their rules (Exodus 20:12). When you are committed to a group at school for a project or something like that, you have said that you will help them carry out the task set before you to completion. When you are committed to a boyfriend or girlfriend, this commitment should be equal to that of a friend. Nothing more.

Commitment to a boyfriend or girlfriend DOES NOT mean that you are committed to satisfying the physical desires you both have. The only person that should ever satisfy physical desires is your husband or wife – when you are married. Not even when you know you are going to marry that person, but when and only when you are committed to one another in the bond of marriage.

It is very hard. Anybody who says any differently is selling something. Showing your love for another person – especially of the opposite sex – does not mean that you need to increase the level of physical intimacy until your flesh is satisfied. And that is all that really happening – you may think that that "feeling" is a gauge of how much you love the person you are with and that you should satisfy that "feeling." The Truth is that that "feeling" is the feeling of lust and fleshly desires, nothing more.

God created sex. He created sexual or physical intimacy. He created it to be shared within the union of marriage because He knew what other effects it has. Physical, emotional, and mental attachments can either bring two people closer together (in marriage) or make them feel insecure – that the person they are with is only with them because they satisfy their needs.

Song of Solomon gives a description of the eros (romantic/sexual) love that is appropriate in marriage.

Song of Solomon 1:13
My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.

John 15:3...Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends).

Exodus 20:12…"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you)

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Song of Solomon 4:5
Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

Song of Solomon 7:3
Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.

Song of Solomon 7:8
I said, "I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit." May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples,

Proverbs 5:28-29

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Verses concerning sexual immorality...

Deuteronomy 5:21
"You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor's house or land, his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor

Matthew 15:19 &Mark 7:21
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.

Acts 15:29
You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things. Farewell.

2 Corinthians 12:21
I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged.

Galatians 5:19
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;

Ephesians 5:3
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

Colossians 3:5
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

1 Thessalonians 4:3
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;

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Jude 1:7
In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.

Revelation 2:14
Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: You have people there who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin by eating food sacrificed to idols and by committing sexual immorality.

1 Corinthians 5:1
It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife.

Romans 1:24
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.

Romans 13:13
Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.

How Did God Design Man-Woman Relationships?

The Bible tells us that because we are created as man and woman (Genesis 2:24) a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Herein we have three parts. First – we are to leave our mothers and fathers. Second – we are to be united to our mate. Third – we are to become one in the flesh with that mate in a covenant marriage.

Our society has created a backward approach to relationships. In our culture, we are told the opposite - that it is the physical that draws people together. That our physical bond will then lead to the freedom to reciprocate emotionally and mentally. If this physical, then soul, joining brings you happiness and completeness, our culture tells us that we are then ready to marry – now that we know that we 'fit' each other. Once a family is created from such a union – it is usually fraught with many problems… stemming from the backwards approach to marriage. These problems usually result in the family's break-up. Remember that it is Satan's desire to steal kill and destroy. Christ, on the other hand, desires that we be unified – to have life in its fullest. (John 10:10)

Another interesting thought is this: The world says if the physical attraction is a "sign" that you and another person belong together. However, there are countless men and women who have shared sexual relationships for an extended period of time. Then they broke up with the person that seemed to "fit" physically. Then they moved on to another person with whom they had a sexual relationship that seemed to indicate they "fit" together, but they broke up as well. And on and on and on. My question is this: If so many people can "fit" physically with so many other people, how can we use that as a basis for considering getting married ? I would venture to say that sex has nothing to do with whether or not two people should get married. I say this because sex is sex – you can have it with anyone. But love is of God. God is love, so when you leave God out of relationship, i.e. do things that are not pleasing to Him, you are leaving love out of the relationship. What are you left with? Lust.

Genesis 2:24...For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

John 10:10
"The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus Christ] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

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Man vs. Woman – Our hearts within a relationship

Men and women are different…duh. Everybody that has ever been around the opposite sex knows that this is a true statement. However, most people have not fully understood what that means. We were created differently – and I don't just mean physically. Women were created as deep feelers. If women are not careful, their emotions and feelings can overcome them and rule them in certain circumstances. Men were created as creatures that use logic more. They weigh their options carefully and will often choose that which will benefit them the most. This is not to say that men have no feelings and that women have no logic. It is simply to say that within the body of Christ and more narrowly, within the scope of interpersonal relationships, women are the feelers and the sympathizers and men are the problem solvers.

MALE SEXUALITY –

1. 
    A man's sexual passion is aroused quickly by sight: i.e. men are turned on by what they see.
   Don't believe it? Look at various advertising campaigns that take advantage of this fact. Women are dressed seductively to sell things to men and sex is used to sell everything from cars to toothpaste to chewing gum.
2. 
    A man's passion moves from low to high in a matter of minutes.
   It does not take long to put into action the things dictated by the flesh, unless the flesh is brought under control. This would explain the high incidence of sexual crimes (rape, incest) and murder committed by men. God designed a man's body to react quickly, enabling swift movement and assertive behavior to protect those in his care. The enemy has used this swiftness against men.
3. 
    A man's passion moves from high to low in a matter of minutes.
   A man's emotions are usually not as involved as a woman's. Once his sex drive is lowered or satisfied, he can become indifferent and detached. It is easy for most men to walk away from a sexual encounter without feeling any sense of loss. Men are more often the deserters in a relationship as they tend to give physically first and emotionally much later.
    

Women's response to male sexuality

• 
  A woman must understand a man's sexuality ino rder to act wisely (Isaiah 3:16)

· be careful to dress modestly and be aware of tightness and fit, remembering that men are aroused by what they see

· guard the way you treat men and behave around them

· do not defraud or seduce men, but rather love with God's love

· preserve each other's purity

• 
  Women must not set themselves up for rejection and hurt by being ignorant of a man's nature.

· protect yourself from flattery and sexual advances

· guard your heart and realize that emotions can send you into fantasy land – your dreams may not be fulfilled.
 

• Women should look for character in a man.
  ·

 look for someone who will not defraud you, someone who governs his sexual drive

· realize that character, friendship, and godliness form the foundations of a lasting marriage, not sexual passion. (Do not lose hope – men like this really do exist and they are worth the wait!!)

• 
  It is important to understand God's creation design:

· God made men to be leaders, protectors, and providers, not to be chauvinistic or to exploit women for sex. He intended men to treat women with dignity and good manners. Chivalry has not died! True love (1 Corinthians 13) does not act in an unbecoming manner.

2 Samuel 11:2-3...One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful,and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, "Isn't this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?"

Isaiah 3:16-17...The LORD says, "The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles. Therefore the Lord will bring sores on the heads of the women of Zion; the LORD will make their scalps bald."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

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FEMALE SEXUALITY

1. Women are aroused primarily by touch, emotion, and atmosphere.

A woman loves romance. An affectionate touch, emotion, and a romantic atmosphere can arouse passion in a woman. Men need to be aware of these factors in order to treat women with dignity. Married men need to romance their wives.

2. A woman's passions move from low to high more slowly than a man's.

A woman moves slowly through the various stages in the sexual act. She will ultimately commit herself very deeply. If sex happens outside the marriage, the woman is more susceptible to being hurt as the protective commitment of marriage is not in place.

3. A woman feels emotions very deeply.

A woman is emotionally sensitive and needs to guard her emotions before committing herself to a man. She can become soul-tied to a man even without physical involvement before marriage. She needs to develop godly friendships with men and only give herself to someone once he is emotionally committed. It is possible and okay to share your heart and emotions with a male friend, if and only if that relationship is centered on Christ. If there is romance before friendship, be especially careful about how much of your heart that you share.

BIG DIFFERENCE… For men, physical intimacy comes first and is less binding than the emotional intimacy, which may take a while. For women, emotional intimacy comes first and therefore the physical intimacy is a sign of deep trust and desire to please the man (and herself). Both are signs of deep commitment for the woman where physical intimacy is not really a big deal for most men. Therefore, recognize that men and women are opposites in this way. Just because a man desires physical intimacy with a woman does not mean that his heart or emotions are involved.

We must understand our differences and be careful not to be stumbling blocks to one another. Ladies – Before you dress a certain way or tell your heart to a man, remember that a short skirt may be all it takes for him to become aroused and your emotions may mean little to him. Gentlemen – Before you plan a romantic evening for a woman or whisper sweet nothings into her ear, remember that she will become very attached to you through these signs of affection that seem almost meaningless to you.

What if I am longing for a relationship? What if I am lonely?

Are we not taught to hunger and thirst and long for God? (Psalms 42:1-2) If this is our desire, our longing, and we know that the Lord will prepare and give to us all that we need, then what else do we need? (Luke 12:27-32) We must learn that when we feel this way, we have turned from our first love. To long for anything else is to not trust that God will provide for you in that situation. To reach out for someone means that you are not surrendering to the Lord your needs for affectionate love. He is there. He is always waiting for us to come and rest in His arms. To be held. To be embraced.

What if I have had few relationships and I just want one to tide me over?

Most likely you wish to dwell in the physical part of a relationship if this is the case. Having someone there is a nice feeling. The physical part of a relationship is pleasurable, but it is fleeting. If it were lasting, you could receive one hug from someone and be satisfied for life. But this is not the case. God created us with desires. He knows the burning inside you. He wants the best for you. He knows that the best for you is to wait ever so patiently on the one he has for you. His timing is perfect.

Psalms 42:1-2... As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

Luke 12:27-32...Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.

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Another important thought to consider as you consider wanting someone to "tide you over" is this: What if your knight in shining armor or lady in waiting shows up and you are smooching some other person? What if he or she walks in the door and sees your arm around someone else? How is he or she supposed to know that the other person is just tiding you over until he or she arrives? He or she doesn't. Would a true knight or lady walk in and take you from the person you dating because they want to be with you? No! They will respect you and your wishes and your choices if they are the true lady or gentlemen that you are seeking. This is not to say that you missed your chance and God will never let your paths cross again, but how much greater is it to be prepared and patiently waiting for God's best instead of settling for an interim person?

What will happen if I continue to date several people?

What will most likely happen is that you will be hurt each and every time you break up. God desires long lasting friendships. When people break up, it is like a death. The separation causes a period of grief that is felt in all levels of our being. Unlike dating, a courtship should never end this way. Friends are friends forever, if the Lord is the Lord of them. During a courtship rooted in true friendship, if the two realize that the relationship is not God's will, a separation will not cause animosity between the two. They may be hurt, but they will be a comfort to each other and not an antagonism or finger pointer. Also, they will still have joy with one another knowing that their priority was the Lord – not each other – and therefore can be glad at the outcome. When you date several people, you create a habit. A pattern of becoming intimate and then breaking up will cause much personal grief, as well as grief for family and friends. There are never just two people involved in a break up. Everyone is affected.

Also, along with the pain comes the desire to cover up those wounds. Most people never go to the Lord for healing. They go to family, friends, therapists, etc. – but never to the Lord. Truly few people know how to go before the Lord and ask for healing – to surrender their pain at His throne. Why is it that we refuse to go to the Healer for healing? Read John 5:1-9.

This story has a lot to say to a hurting heart that may not be evident at first glance. The main character of this story is an invalid. Someone who has been hurt – perhaps he was born with his infirmity, but that is not the hurt I speak of. If you have a man who has been an invalid for 38 years, unable to walk on his own, unable to do the things a normal person does, don't you think he has suffered humiliation and ridicule? Thirty-eight years is a long time to be hurting.

The next statement amazes me, "When Jesus saw him…" Jesus shows up on the scene of suffering. Does anyone even notice Him? It doesn't say that people were shouting His name and touching the hem of His garment for healing as the woman in Matthew 9:19-20 did. (And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole.) Instead, they were waiting for an angel to stir the water so one person could receive healing for that day. Then the Healer shows up – the man who can heal with a word – and no one notices Him.

When you are hurting from a break up or a lost relationship, how often do you go to someone else to help you heal? How often you run to a friend, parent, or counselor for guidance and healing instead of straight to the Healer? How often do you ask someone else to pray for your healing instead of walking humbly into the throne room yourself and sitting at the feet of the Healer?

John 5:1-9...Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie--the blind, the lame, the paralyzed - and they waited for the moving of the waters. From time to time an angel of the Lord would come down and stir up the waters. The first one into the pool after each such disturbance would be cured of whatever disease he had. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?" "Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

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Most people, following a break up will not repent or forgive or ask for forgiveness for their sinful relationship (remember that any relationship outside of God's will is sinful – as everything not done in faith is sin). If the wound is not dressed and healed properly, it will fester again when it is irritated. This might happen in any subsequent dating relationship. The more dating relationships that one has, the more likely it will be that there will be more unhealed wounds.

Another reaction from a failed dating relationship is to close up – to harden your heart, mind, emotions, etc. so that they are not vulnerable. By putting this scar tissue around your relationship organs, you lose the ability to truly appreciate any subsequent relationships – you lose the ability to love freely. This callous also makes it difficult to know if you are loved in return. It is like squinting with the lights on dim. You cannot see much. And, as the eyes are the windows to the soul, the person looking at you for a relationship can't see much either. Basically, by habitually getting into and out of intimate dating relationships, you lose the ability to see clearly what a relationship has to offer and what you have to offer in a relationship.

This habit can also result in the desire to get out of a relationship – even a good one. When you get used to something, your brain learns to kick in certain patterns at certain times. This is how we learn to do many things, like play sports. However, if we are in the middle of a relationship, and we are trained that this is the approximate time to get out of one, we will tend to see ourselves sabotaging it. The habitual person inside of us says that we need to get out, because if we stay any longer, we will get hurt even more than last time.

What if I just want to date him because he is hot? All my friends say that I should.

Every person you date is a potential mate. (Genesis 2:20) If you are just dating a person because of the way they look, go take a look at your grandfather or even your father. Even if he is handsome, or was handsome as a young man, would you describe him as "hot" now? If you are truly dating a person in search of a mate, remember that he or she may not always look the way they look now. Your relationship must be founded on something deeper. If you are just dating them to have fun, instead of looking for a mate, you are developing that pattern of joining and separating that can be devastating when you are finally serious about marriage. Why can't the two of you just have a fun, friend relationship without involving all the things that worldly dating involves? Thusly the grounds for courtship are made evident.

As for what your friends say, I suggest you turn to your best friend – the Lord Jesus Christ. Trust Him in this: He has a perfect plan for your life. Perfect. Your friends do not know that plan. It may be hard to wait and to explain to them why you don't follow your desires and go for that "hot" guy, but it is worth it! Just tell them you prefer to not mess with perfection. Think of the best thing you could ever ask God for. Got it? Now multiply it times 10 – that's what God wants to give you. God desires to give you even better than what you can imagine!

What about dating outside the Christian Faith?

Deuteronomy 22:10; 2 Corinthians 6:14

Missionary dating is not a biblical principle. We are not called to convert people by dating them especially because dating is a worldly concept. What happens if the conversion is not complete when you decide to break up? The possibilities are greater that the person will turn from what you tried to teach them, especially if the break up is an ugly one, as ones not centered on Christ often are. Form a friendship with them and witness within that friendship. Do not take the relationship further than that until their heart is focused on Christ.

Please send any questions or comments to raines@eden.com

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Genesis 2:20...So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

Deuteronomy 22:10...Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.

2 Corinthians 6:14...Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?